servants can be dumb

 over my many years of existence i have had plenty of servants who do my will, and do work for me when i do not want to. the first ones were a bunch of neanderthals who killed people for me in exchange for me not killing them. and no, them eventually dying did not break that promise since i do not cause old age and natural deaths.

over the years i have gotten a lot more servants coming in all sorts of shapes and sizes. we fears do like to have servants, it makes finding new victims easier and the servants themselves help keep our existence going. after all, worship comes from fear. 

my most recent and longest running group of servants are the “timberwolves”. they were founded in 1978 by a human named richard dollen. I was tired of doing all the victim finding and scaring myself so i showed up to his one day as his father. his dead father, obviously. 

richard was down on his luck and had taken to the human therapy of alcoholism. then he saw me as his dad and i told him about me, the fact i am the afterlife, and that he could get a better deal in bliss if he gathered up a bunch of people and had them worship me and kill and torment people for me.

he did. so the timberwolves now existed.

there are a lot of different groups of timberwolves nowadays, i suppose you would call them sects. having a lot of them in a lot of different places comes in handy. i am very happy to have a bunch of humans who can do my work for me. i am not happy when they do dumb things.

a small group of them formed in a small town down south, apparently they were of new recruits that decided to strike out on their own. in retrospect the “new recruits” part probably should have been my first warning.

regardless, i decided i would have them find a new victim for me. so i showed up and told them to find a new victim for me. then i left.

when i come back to see their progress i was very shocked to find out what they did. and angry. angry enough that someone found out their car somehow ended up on top of a roof. 

on fire. 

and folded in half.

they decided that they would find a victim by waiting outside of somebodies house in the bushes, holding pipes, and then waiting for that person to come out and get in their car. then they jumped out and onto the car, yelling at them about how they would “be inside gods body” (which is the worst description of what i am ever) and started bashing in their windows. 

this person unfortunately had common sense  and called the police, who easily restrained and arrested them. 

as angry and annoyed as i was...well, losing a group of timberwolves who i could offload work to might end up more annoying in the long run. 

they were still in the holding cell, so i decided that the best thing to do was to murder the police chief. 

so i did. strangled him in his office, he was a surprisingly weak guy. then i took his appearance and went down to their holding cells without having to deal with any red tape about visitation hours or something.

the four of them were all there, holding their heads down or scowling at the bars like they would suddenly get the ability to erase jail. 

they sneered at me when they saw me come in. then they dropped to their knees when i turned into my favored form.

“Oh great..lord-master-sir! We are honored to-“

“so how’s your hearing?”

they looked at each other with confusion. 

“...what?”

“i asked how your hearing is. because you see, i am fairly sure that i told you to find me a new victim. now, was that what you heard me say?”

nodding and affirmations they did quickly happen.

“so why” i say, grabbing one of the bars next to me and clenching it tightly. “did you act as if i said that i wanted you to act like impulsive, unrefined idiots, and to be as unsubtle and reckless as possible?” 

i did not raise my voice, because we fears are very clearly above that type of childish behavior. the fact they could clearly see i had crushed the bar i was holding on to as easily as tinfoil was enough to illustrate me anger.

and that is when the blubbering began, telling me they did not know, it was an honest mistake, or that they would not do it again etcetera etcetera. it might be even more annoying than them being idiots so i silenced them with a raise of my hand.

“what are your names?”

they looked at each other and it took another minute for one of them to generate enough bravery to decide to speak.

“Uh..I-I’m Will, lord, that’s Benson, that’s  Joey and that-that’s Ferdinand.” ferdinand waved at me sheepishly.  

with a sigh, i snap fingers and we all appear in a bedroom. an occupied bedroom. 

the person in bed got up with a start and grabbed his glasses off the end table and calmed down when he saw it was me. this was philip, a high ranking leader of a fairly large group of timberwolves in an area conveniently far away from where these four nimrods were arrested.

“Great Archangel? For what reason do you visit me, master?”

“these” i say, pointing. “are will, benson, joey and ferdinand.” ferdinand waved sheepishly at philip. “they are idiots. i want you to take them in as part of your group and make them not idiots. understand?”

philip nodded enthusiastically. “Of course, my lord, I will do anything you ask of me!”

“good, now get to it.” then i snapped again, and disappeared.

i suppose i should have expected this to have happened at one point or another. humans, after all, seem to have a genetic disposition for idiocy.

still does not mean it is not annoying.